i never thought it would be you, but more and more i want to tangle you up in my brain like swirls of smoke from an exotic pipe. you're the drug i'm not addicted to, but keep going back to for more, more, more. okay, i lied. i am addicted to you. you're my gateway drug to love, and you'll linger in the bottom of my lungs forever.
it all started when we were children. we didn't know back then that putting up with each other because we had to would turn into slipping off alone together. we didn't know that arguing heatedly in our shrill kid's voices would become whispers in the dark. we didn't know back when we were young, like brilliant stars in the sky, that one day we would collapse into supermassive black holes and nearly collide, nearly devour each other, nearly fuse into one.
we didn't know that we'd nearly destroy each other.
when i realized that i wanted you, it hit me like a hammer between the eyes. i desperately started looking for signs that you wanted me, too. maybe you moved the way you did around me - like you were posing for a photo-shoot - because you knew that i had camera eyes that filed away every frame of you. or maybe you did because you're a tiger, beauty untamed, grace poured into flesh. maybe your eyes caught mine like two acrobats engaged in a gravity-defying dance because you knew that our spark-striking stares were a game, or maybe it was purely an accident. maybe your laugh sounded like sunlight being rolled on the tips of shimmering waves because i was your sun, or maybe you had the sun trapped in your heart and you were bursting to share it with the world.
the only thing that convinced me i wasn't living in a dream was that the jokes we were laughing at were stupid ones. but i still continued to wonder.
i remember the day i got my answer. it was at a party, and we were in the middle of noise and fun and mindless laughter. as usual, we were teasing each other, but then it became goofing off, and when goofing off became maybe-but-not-quite flirting, my heart felt like a flapping bird trapped in my chest. i could tell that you were afraid, too, but in a different way.
we were no longer in the middle of a party, we were in the eye of a storm, and as chaos whirled around us, we were the only things keeping still. time seemed to hang like a balloon string slipping from a child's fingers, like losing innocence for the first time. i truly lost my innocence when i reached out and touched you. time unfroze, the hurricane stopped spinning around us and we walked out of the room.
our bodies made music in the dark. i played you like a piano, fingers tinkling down your spine; like a xylophone, mallet fingers tapping on your ribs; like a harp, plucking on the chords in your neck with my lips. but none of that mattered.
because you never let me play on your heartstrings.
we continued slipping off together every chance we got. the hungrier i got, the more afraid you became that we'd be discovered. you knew that we were juggling knives, and you were scared because you knew that each time we slipped off together, we were adding another knife. you tried to say no, but you couldn't. then someone nearly walked in on us, we nearly dropped the knives. that's when you said goodbye for good.
since then, i feel like the bottom has dropped out of my stomach. no, like the bottom has dropped out of my heart. you pretend there's no difference, tying strings to my wrists and forcing me to dance like a puppet because it's the only thing keeping your nightmares from being born. we laugh at the same stupid jokes, but my laughter is hollow and yours is cold. you give me up to continue pretending to live the life you lived before this whole mess. as we sat together in public, you calmly told me that you're keeping yourself for marriage, because your parents would hate you if you didn't, but that you refuse get married. we both know that you're living a lie.
we're both puppets, but you're trying to pull your own strings, and you've fallen into a tangled mess. stop adding new ropes to this twisted game, because soon we'll be beyond untying. cut the strings and walk free. stop lying and let your wooden skin soften into real flesh, because right now you're not fooling anyone but the people who don't even care to look. open your heart and let its sun shine on the world, and i'll play a song on your heartstrings that will let the acidic secrets spill forth from locked jaws and that will jerk tears of joy from onlooking eyes. we'll dance to our own tune, free of any master puppeteer, and you won't be my drug, you'll become the very air i breathe.
right now, you're not living because you refuse to love, and life is made for loving.
right now, you're not living because you refuse to love.
right now, you're not living.